Chip on Chips – Genesis

I know what you’re thinking, this fucking guy’s gonna come across like he’s an expert on chips just because that’s his name. Well, tough guy, you clearly can’t see the hundreds of chip bags that surround my blogging station. I know a thing or two about chips and I’m gonna lay the skinny on your fat ass about what’s good, what’s awful and what’s fucking amazing about chips if you’re willing to keep reading so strap in, we’re going for a ride.



Old reliable. They’re everywhere. You’re not going to get a bad bag of Lay’s potato chips. That said, you’re not going to get a superb bag of Lay’s either. Whether that owes to the high corporate standards over at the PepsiCo subsidiary FritoLay or if it’s simply not that hard to crank out millions of bags of middle-of-the-road potato chips… it’s not really my concern. I’m telling you you’ve had these chips and you’re going to have more before you die.

As chips go they’re reliable but not special. Like me when I’m at work. You can pick them up at any corner store and you know what you’re gonna get. Here’s my theory on Lay’s though. Essentially eating a bag of chips fires up the same neurotransmitters that an orgasm does (I know, right?). Lay’s is a flagship brand of a heavily-traded company on the NYSE and capitalism being what it is, I wouldn’t put it past them to use every trick in the book to make sure the oil, the crisp and the strain of potato are all fine-tuned to make it seem like the best orgasm you can get from a bag of salty, fried potato chips.

Here’s what else you get in every 2 ⅞ ounce bag:

Calories: 460

Calories from Fat: 270

Protein: 5g

Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 8



Their marketing is literally a warning label, Once You Pop You Can’t Stop. Let’s be honest these things shouldn’t be legal. They’re not even potato chips for fuck sake. These abominations are made by another NYSE-traded company, Procter and Gamble. I haven’t looked at their shareholder reports but I suspect much of their profits come from people like me who are strung out on these shits like they were cigarettes manufactured by Brown and Williamson in the 90s. GOD DAMMIT. Let’s take a look at the ingredients.

Dried Potatoes (sounds legit) Vegetable Oil (kay) Corn Flour (sounds less than healthy) Wheat Starch (what we used to call heroin back in the day) Reconverted Base Cocaine (I made that last one up). Bottom line these shouldn’t be sold at the same place you buy liquor. It’s the kind of chip you really like but feel guilty about. Which also describes how my last three girlfriends see me.

Like Lay’s you’ve had these before, more likely to excess but you’ve definitely experienced what Pringles has to offer. They’re pretty phony but at least they’re up front about it. I feel bad for anybody who genuine think Pringles are anything other than the most highly processed chip experience you can get.

Here’s what you get in every 5.68 ounce tube:

Calories: 900

Calories from Fat: 480

Protein: 6g

Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 12[??]



Grab a big bag of these things to take part in one of the sweetest swindles of all time. I’m telling you a big bag of these–which cost anywhere from 2.49 to 3.79–has 3, count em, THREE ounces of chips. In ten years these will probably cost more than 3 ounces of weed. But here’s the thing, PopChips are really fucking good. Like, absurdly yummy. These chips are fake as hell though they don’t even look real which also describes me when I go hit 1015 Folsom. Now if you’re like me you have that voice that camps out on your shoulder when you’re absolutely wasted what says things like, “something this tasty has got to be bad for you what are you doing to yourself?” (Where the hell were you, voice, when I was sucking down that second 40). What was I just talking about? Oh yeah so apparently, if the good people at PopChips are to be believed, these are a healthy snack. Chip, you’re asking, why aren’t these guys listed on the NASDAQ or something and all I can say is don’t worry, they’ll get bought out by PG or PEP in due time. So just keep believing the hype and you can indulge yourself in a “healthy snack” of PopChips and feel like you’re fucking that diet in the ass because it feels so good. But let’s face the facts shall we? If you’re eating chips because they’re healthy you’ve got much bigger issues to address in your life than simple weight gain, crippling depression or creeping drug addiction. You’ll see corner stores that carry PopChips with empty areas where the Sea Salt flavored PopChips should be. That’s because I’ve already been there. Suckers.

Here’s what a big bag of 3 ounces worth of PopChips will cost you in terms of self respect:

Calories: 360

Calories from Fat: 105 (MY RIBCAGE)

Protein: 6g

Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 7


Have’a Chips

Here’s a big anomaly in my repertoire of chip reviews. Not just because these are tortilla chips but because these things have “flavor.” Yeah. Also these guys don’t have a web presence to speak of and I don’t seem to have a bag of these in my archives/trash. So good luck finding out the nutritional information. Okay a bit of backstory: I don’t like flavored chips. Sour Cream and Onion flavored chips Jesus Christ seriously? Way to ruin good chips. If you want to dip your chips I get it, that’s cool but I am not about to try Sun-Dried Tomato flavored potato chips any sooner than I am about to try potato chips engineered to taste like Phish Fans. Fuck that. How shitty are your chips in the first place you need to engineer flavor for them. That’s most brands of flavored chips–a shitty chip and a bunch of chemicals sprinkled in to make them seem palatable which also describes me around 2002 or so.  All right so I’m reviewing tortilla chips that are flavored with lime and soy sauce. Which is eerily close to Phish Fan flavored chips I know but hear me out. These are good chips like good silverware or good china, bust them out for special occasions, don’t bring Have’a chips to a party. Unless you’re going to eat them all yourselves and it’s a good party. Maybe if the host offers you a bottle of Grey Goose right out of the freezer and the freezer has a padlock but he or she is giving you the combination, then share some with him or her. But otherwise these chips are wasted on the wasted. Give those fools some other brand. The flavor is good but also you can’t overdose on these. Well you can but it’s like oh man my stomach I know better than to eat two bags of these within 24 hours. The real mystery is where the fuck do these chips come from? The bag says Laguna Beach which means Orange County which means they were either made by Jesus freaks, meth freaks or hippie freaks. There’s that Phish Fan flavor profile again. Get these chips, eat a bag and go back to wishing you believed in something as big as Jesus, Meth or Phish. Just don’t take these things too seriously because all of a sudden in a day it could be like HAVE’A CHIPS ARE PEOPLE and you’d be like welp, now where am I going to be able to score a bag?

Calories: 140 per ounce.

Fat: 7g per zip.

Protein: 2g per oz.

Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 6.66



I was up on Haight Street walking behind a mini-cartel of homeless types with the pitbulls and the drug problems and the girl who won’t shut up about whether Spider really is all that or not. One of these prophets yelled out, “my last meal would be Sunchips and Snickers bars!” Whether he was reminiscing about the last thing he’d eaten or what he would eat for his last meal should he end up on death row for murdering that coed back in Ohio I couldn’t tell you. But then I realized that if I end up on death row for using really good encryption I’d probably choose the same thing. Sunchips, also known as Sun Chips are a freaky creation from FritoLay that will trick you into believing that you’re eating something healthy and doing something good for your body even if you’re coming off a three day stimulant bender and need to eat something in order to fall asleep. Sunchips is like a one-bag version of a healthy lifestyle to the ravaged moonscape of a meth user’s mind. Okay so let’s say you’re not some strung out version of the person you want to be you just want a snack that makes it look like you’re trying to eat better. Sunchips will pull that off. If you’re at your family’s house for Thanksgiving you can get a bag of Sunchips and the combination of the graphics and logo on the bag will make everybody think you’re sort of in the harvest spirit. Sunchips are “multigrain” but let’s face it every grain in every bag with the FritoLay label on it is multigrain thanks to GMO engineering. Calling something multigrain in this day and age is like saying it won’t hurt the ozone layer or cause acid rain. Who cares about the ozone layer and acid rain that shit went the way of grunge about the same time Kurt Cobain offed himself. Which I think is around the same time Sunchips hit the scene by the way. Coincidence? It is a mystery. (woooo) Are they tasty? Hell yeah. Do they give you that busted nut feeling in the sweet spots of your brain? Yeah but mostly in the place where ego resides. Like you’re feeling good about yourself while you do it but it’s not like you’re living on the edge or nothing. It’s a socially acceptable chip that people don’t have a big problem with which also describes me starting around 2006 or so.


Here’s what you get in a 6 ounce bag:

Calories:  840

Calories from Fat: 360

Protein: 12g

Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 4


Check back next time for more Chip on Chips and see wtf is up with Kettle Chips. I gotta get me some Kettle Chips first.